Q: I'm just not feeling up for sex anymore. Does that mean I'm frigid?

A: I've learned from clinical experience that women need permission to engage in sex without feeling a raging desire first. They feel that if they're not 'up for it' all the time, there is something wrong with them. Not true.

The US researcher and expert on sexual desire, Rosemary Basson came up with a theory that makes a lot of sense. According to her model, spontaneous sexual desire is not a prerequisite for a woman to have satisfying sex. We can engage in sex, she says when we are not feeling desire, and after becoming aroused both mentally and physically, the desire will develop. The analogy below has helped many women in my practice understand this concept and has taken the pressure off them to experience spontaneous sexual desire.

Are you craving chocolate right now? If you are, you probably can't help it – your desire for something sweet is just there. On the other hand, you may not have thought about chocolate for a few minutes, hours or days.

Spontaneous sexual desire works in a similar way. Just like you wouldn't drive to the store to buy a chocolate if you weren't craving it, you'd also be unlikely to initiate sex if you weren't in the mood. And if your partner tried to initiate it, you probably wouldn't be interested either.

But what happens if you pass the chocolate aisle in the supermarket or if I could give you a bar of Lindt right now? Would you break off a square and bite into it? And if you took one bite, do you think you might take another? Perhaps you'd say: "I don't really feel like it, but let me take one more bite," and pretty soon you'll have polished off the whole slab!

So, the next time you think there's something wrong with you because you're not in the mood, remember this analogy. And know that once you've had a taste of the sweet stuff, chances are you won't stop until you've had it all!