By Amy Grier
You’re short on time, but you want it – now. Here’s how to pull a fast (and furious) one in any location
IN A TAXI
Subtly lift up your dress, undo his pants and slide onto his lap with your back to him. “If you use the natural movement of the car, you might actually get away with it,” says sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein*. “Gently lean forward and rock back and forth to deepen the action and stimulate your clitoris at the same time,” she adds. Just watch out for speed bumps – and hope you don’t get the same Uber driver again.
AT THE GYM
Sweating, grunting, aching legs – the boundaries between exercise and sex are blurred anyway, so hell, let’s exploit them – if you’re prepared to ignore the germ factor. “To get physical in the changing rooms, get him to hoist you up so your back is against his chest, your legs hooked around his waist,” says Goldstein. “Push your arms against the wall in front of you for extra support and get him to thrust up using his quads.” That’s BodyPump done. (*Note it’s technically not legal so take this advice with a pinch of salt – unless you have a home gym of course)
IN THE TOILET CUBICLE
The trick with toilet sex is twofold: first, be quick; second, get the hell out of there, having touched as little as possible. “With your back against the wall and one leg up on the lid, get him to thrust up into you. Lifting your leg in this way allows him to go deep and lets you control his pace with your glutes and inner thighs,” says Goldstein. Exit with nonchalance – and remove the toilet paper stuck to your shoe.
ON THE STAIRS
To do it minus the carpet burns, drape yourself over the middle few steps and put all the weight on your shoulders and elbows, resting your head on the step above. Lift your pelvis off the steps and have him kneel in-between your legs. “Wrap your legs around his waist and protect your back by drawing your belly button in so your spine is flat, not arched,” says Goldstein. Fingers crossed your housemate (or Grandma!) is out for the count.
You can’t have sex inside because your father-in-law’s in the lounge watching Storage Wars. “Take a walk,” says Goldstein. Avoid chilblains in private places by keeping as many clothes on as possible – think a woollen dress and tights. Next, find a secluded area, holding on to a tree if necessary. “Bend over and get him to thrust up into your G-spot without going too deep for a quick getaway if someone spots you.”
ON A DESK
You’ve snuck out of a colleague’s farewell drinks and made it past security. Now, for the fun part. Channel your inner Daryl Hannah and lie face-up at the edge of your desk with legs straight up, like a mermaid’s tail. “Wedge his jacket underneath your pelvis to deepen the angle and drape your legs over his shoulders while you hold on to the desk,” says Goldstein. Just hope there’s no CCTV