By Ashley Oerman
This is judgment-free zone.
The first time my boyfriend of eight years farted in my presence was about two months into our relationship, on my futon, in front of my roommate. We were in my dorm room laughing about something, and he squeaked one out mid-laugh. It surprised all of us.
He was obviously embarrassed over that booty chatter, but I remember saying, “It’s fine; it’s just me. I don’t care.” I wasn’t just trying to be #relationshipgoals-worthy. Basically, I was clearing the way for a toot-safe relationship. I was not about to set a precedent that would give me stomach cramps and gas anxiety for years to come.
READ MORE: Farting Can Be Good For Your Relationship
The thing is, as human women, we fart. And when that gas escapes your cheeks for the first time in front of your partner, it can go one of two ways. Option one: You LOL, shrug, and maybe high five. Option two: He looks at you as if you’ve just unzipped your skin and revealed that you’re actually a frat bro rocking a jersey and a dad bod.
If it’s the latter, it’s time to say, “bye, boy.”
Here’s what men and women have to say about farting in relationships:
Physically, it’s just normal for people to get tootie-fruity and that includes women. If a guy expects his partner not to have human flaws, it essentially means he’s a bit sexist. Don’t @ me.
Feminism preaches the theory of political, economic, and social equality of the sexes—and that equality extends to farts. Toots from both genders are equally gross (and normal) and should be judged as such. If he thinks that it’s more disgusting for you to rip it good than him or his bros, that’s a red flag. Besides being a jerk move, judging your toots just highlights the unrealistic expectations for women in relationships. We’re supposed to be a freak in the sheets, a lady in the street, and a Victoria’s Secret Angel post-Chinese takeout. Seriously, if you’re a person who doesn’t have GI issues after wontons and fried rice, please donate your body to science. You’re a unicorn.
Fart-shaming is also a slippery slope to feeling self conscious about other completely normal bodily functions. Once you’ve accepted that your partner will put you down for farting, you might find yourself really concerned about queefing during sex, having a booger in your nose, and pooping. Ain’t nobody got time to monitor all of those bodily functions and strategize ways to hide them. And while you can keep running to Starbucks to do something mysterious in their bathroom, once you start living together (you know, if you get that far) the jig is up. There are some things Poo-Pourri just can’t cover.
One of the biggest problems with being fart-shamed by your BAE is that it’s a huge intimacy killer. No, making it rain methane is not romantic (unless that’s your thing, no judgment), but it does show vulnerability. And when that vulnerable act is met with acceptance, it brings you and your non-shamey partner in crime closer. When it’s met with shade, it makes you feel sh—ty and ashamed for showing your true colours—farts and all.
READ MORE: Recover From These Awkward Sex Moments
Yep. I’m arguing here that farting in front of your partner is sign of a healthy relationship (and digestive system). We can all agree that slut-shaming, skinny-shaming, and fat-shaming are all pretty f’d up, so why are we still fine with our partners judging us for farting?
In any relationship, the best thing you can do is put all of your cards (and bodily functions) on the table. If he can’t deal with any of that—including your status as a human capable of having gas—it’s time to find a dude who loves you for who you are. Is it really a coincidence that heart rhymes with fart?
This article was originally published on www.womenshealthmag.com