Scientists think they’ve unravelled the mystery of female arousal. What they’ve discovered will blow your mind in bed...

One of the most intriguing research nuggets to emerge was that, while male sexuality is fairly predictable – female sexuality is stimulated by a surprisingly wide array of turn-ons.

Meredith Chivers, an assistant professor of psychology, calls this “the non-specificity of women’s sexual arousal”.

Chivers showed both men and women a variety of sexually explicit images – nude male and female bodies, heterosexual and homosexual sex, and sex between Bonobos (a frisky species of chimp) – while measuring physiological signs of genital arousal as well as their subjective feelings of desire.

For the guys, the findings were straightforward. The men’s physical reactions were in agreement with what they said turned them on. The reactions of women in the study, however, were not as predictable.

While the women reported feeling aroused in the ways you might expect, measurements of their vaginal blood flow showed that they were physically aroused by all the forms of coupling they saw – even the Bonobos. Yet, when asked to report which images they found titillating, most of the women only chose those that corresponded with their sexual orientation. Were they lying?

Not exactly. The women in the study were aroused by all the images – but that doesn’t mean they wanted to have sex with the people or animals they saw. “Women have the capacity to get turned on by a broad range of things,” says Chivers. “This is normal and not necessarily a challenge to sexual identity.”

Disjuncture Between Body and Brain

Lori Brotto, a Canadian assistant professor in the University of British Columbia’s gynaecology department, has been studying how the disjuncture between women’s bodies and brains comes into play during sex with a partner.

“Women report thinking about non-sexual things during sex,” she says. Many women wonder things like “When am I going to get to the gym?” The problem is, focusing on future-oriented matters interferes with women’s ability to feel both desire and arousal.

Brotto offers two possible explanations. Firstly, she says, women are multitaskers, and society rewards this ability. Women have become so good at doing a million things at once – that it often becomes hard to slow it down or turn it off during sex and just enjoy the moment.

Sound familiar?

Research shows that, for some women, desire doesn’t necessarily come before sex. The sexual contact may be what gets you in the mood. “When a woman’s partner initiates sex, she may feel indifferent to it at first,” says psychologist Sandra Leiblum. She may be stressed or tired or, to Brotto’s point, focusing on a million other things. “But often, if she plays along she starts to feel aroused, and then the desire kicks in,” Leiblum says.

To help women sync their brains with their bodies, Brotto has begun teaching the art of mindfulness. The idea is to enable women to stay focused on sex by integrating the physical with the mental so that mental excitement can heighten physical arousal and vice versa.

Try it at Home

Brotto suggests spending 10 minutes a day paying very close attention to any activity – walking the dog, washing dishes, drinking a cup of coffee. “Focus on any sensations in your body – notice the placement of your feet, the positioning of your hands,” she says. “What do you see, smell, taste, hear?” If you become distracted, guide your mind back to the present.

Next, Brotto advises getting familiar with your body by examining and touching yourself during or after a shower, experimenting with what feels good.

When you’re ready, work towards incorporating the focusing exercise while you’re aroused, either alone or with your partner. In time you’ll become attuned to what you’re feeling during sex rather than letting your thoughts escape the bedroom.

In addition to being mindful and experimenting alone in the shower, Marlene Wasserman a Couples and Sex Therapist and Clinical Sexologist, advocates an open forum for sex in which women get together in groups to talk about their bodies, learn from experts and share stories about what turns them on. “There is a relational component to female sexuality, but there is also a very self-focused component,” she says. “I don’t mean that negatively. Women have to be convinced that they are desirable in order to believe that anyone else finds them desirable.”

Think about it this way: if you haven’t been in the mood lately, it might be because you’re feeling unattractive (gained a few kilos, noticed your breasts sagging, spotted a new dimple of cellulite) and figure your man couldn’t possibly think you look hot.

The key to better sex might be repairing your relationship with yourself. For some women, it might be as easy as buying sexy lingerie. For others, it might be overcoming physical insecurities by adopting a new workout routine.

Wasserman believes promoting a healthy, active lifestyle is the first step in helping women accept and even love their bodies. “Diet is a dirty word in my consulting rooms. I want women to embrace a healthy lifestyle. I often encourage women to take up Nia a form of dance, which involves moving in their bodies in front of mirrors with the stimulus of music and within the safety of a community of women. This goes a long way towards developing joy in one’s body in a non-sexual way,” she says.

Pampering, grooming and non-invasive cosmetic surgery may be just what you need to feel that sizzle, she says, adding: “Let’s give up the shame of our body’s imperfections, ageing and changing.”

Desire and arousal are predicated on so many factors – things like the nature of our relationships, our attitudes towards ourselves and sex, our general health, our hormone levels. The bottom line: There’s no single right path to desire or arousal. You can feel these because you have an intense emotional relationship with another person. Or maybe you’re looking at sexy pictures and something gets triggered. There are many roads to Rome.

One of these roads may be chemical. A new drug called Flibanserin is currently being investigated as a possible treatment for decreased sexual desire in pre-menopausal women. Originally developed as an anti-depressant, the aphrodisiac side effect was apparently discovered when subjects in the human trials of the drug were reluctant to give back the unused medication after the trial was over. You can imagine why.

It will still be a few years before this drug is available in South Africa, so don’t go rushing off to your pharmacy just yet. Besides, Wasserman cautions against pinning too much hope on the drug as a panacea for desperate women and their partners. “Female desire is too complex for one drug to make a woman feel sexually interested,” she points out.

Don't Overthink it

Regardless of their particular take on the subject, all the researchers offer the same advice: don’t worry about how you’re supposed to feel. “Is this normal?” is the wrong question. The right ones might be “Does this feel right?” or “Does this feel good?” If it does, don’t over-think it – open your mind and just go with the moment.

Explore, experiment and notch up your knowledge about what gets you going. Discover your own dark side (as long as what it holds is safe and consensual). Indulging in what your body and mind naturally crave doesn’t necessarily define sexual interest, but it may pave the way to even more self-discovery about what turns you on... and makes your toes curl.

Here are some tips to get you going...

1. Focus on the Moment
Don't think about the laundry while you're having sex.

2. Know Your Body
Feel yourself up in the shower so you know what you like, then tell your partner. Here's how to rub each other the right way.

3. Play Along
If he's up for action and you're not, play along, women need to get aroused before desire kicks in.

4. Spoil Yourself
Spend some money on yourself or time making yourself feel good.

Please note: The full article 'Fire up Your Desire' appeared in the November 2009 issue of Women's Health.