Sex & Relationships

When you first start dating, it makes sense that he’ll conceal the things he’s not particularly proud of: his messy flat, his mother’s daily phone calls, his hairy back. But by the time you’re a serious couple, you assume you know your bedmate’s every last idiosyncrasy. Right? Don’t be so sure.

According to new research published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, one in 10 men are harbouring a serious sexual secret. “There are two kinds of secrets guys keep,” says clinical psychologist Dr Les Parrott, author of Crazy Good Sex. “Things they wish their wives or girlfriends would understand but are scared they won’t, and things they’re just plain trying to get away with.”

With that in mind, we surveyed hundreds of men to find out what they’re hiding at different stages of the relationship and asked some experts to decode their behaviour. Unfortunately, what we discovered was that there’s a good chance your man is keeping at least one dirty secret.

Read on to find out what, if anything, you should do about it...

When You're Dating...

What He’s Hiding
The number of women he’s had sex with
Some men exaggerate to sound more sexually experienced; others downplay their notches so you don’t dismiss them as players. “Men know that if they confess to a large number of partners, it sends the message that they’re unlikely to commit to one. That is, to you,” says Prof David Buss, author of The Evolution of Desire.
“What you should do”
What you should do Take him at his word, but protect yourself. Be vigilant about using a condom every time you have sex – at least until you’ve both been tested for STDs and you feel secure that you’re in a committed relationship. If you do discover that he’s deceived you about his sexual history, get it out in the open, but give him a chance to explain. “He could have fibbed out of embarrassment, insecurity or sincere interest in you,” says Dr Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.

What He’s Hiding
He watches porn – maybe a lot
According to a study at Brigham Young University in the US, 87 percent of men have looked at some form of porn in the past year, and one in five help themselves to X-rated fare daily. Men like to look at naked women – no surprise there – but what is shocking is how quickly they can become dependent on those erotic images. A powerful pleasure cocktail of endorphins and epinephrine (hormones responsible for arousal and alertness) is released while a man watches porn, Parrott says. And that feeling can become addictive.
"What you should do"
Occasional porn isn’t the problem; it only becomes destructive when it starts to intrude on your sex life. “The two big questions are ‘Is it interfering with your life and relationship?’ and ‘Is he using it to avoid something?’” says sex therapist Dr Sandor Gardos. If he actively hides his material and makes excuses to avoid having sex, be concerned.
Broach the subject when you’re calm and rational. “Angry accusations never go down well,” Gardos says. Another tactic is to suggest watching porn together. “It becomes compulsive when he feels like he has to hide it,” he says. So if you’re willing to share it with him, you’ll take the compulsion out of the equation. Plus, experts say, viewing erotic images together can enhance your sex life.

Last updated: Fri, 2011-04-01 13:58

By Anonymous (not verified) on 2010-03-30 14:47

So what should I do, I am married and my husband is watching porn or downloading from the internet etc everyday, I have tried watching with him many times, he prefers to hide and watch it when I'm asleep. he also doesn't have sex much with me?
I have tried everything to get him to stop this addiction but he needs to see for himself how sick this is and that he should rather invest that same time nuturing his marriage. I just hate when a magazine will give advice that still the woman must now bend over backwards to help the man. Not all woman are prudes that don't want to have sex, alot of us actually like it more than our men and are willing to make it as exciting as possible.

By Anonymous (not verified) on 2010-03-30 14:47

By Anonymous (not verified) on 2010-03-30 17:27

Hi, myself and friends cant figure this one out. My partner at 47 isnt into oral sex and forplay. He had the cheek to once say "a man should come before a woman". Go figure.. We have been together close on 2 years and have been living together for a year. Initially he did go down on me but very seldom, he didnt want the same which i thought odd.. but i also accept that there are men who are not into it.. he once whilst i was on my period got amarous and tried between my breasts and initiated oral sex, but only that time.. i am spotless, shower twice a day, use special soap etc and im completely waxed.. so from my side ive ensured that there are no excuses.. the other thing is, is that, he seldom kissess me, touches me down there etc (no foreplay) when he has had quite a bit to drink he initiates anal sex which i have never done prior to being with him.. he prefers to have sex from behind in the spoon position and seldom does machinary.. or he likes me on top.. with my ex husband we did everything barring anal sex so i find all of this a little strange...the fact he does this makes me insecure because he could very well be having sex with someone else in his mind..when ive asked him about it gently he says well..what else is there to do .. we doing the best.. i seldom climax that way and i cant wait for weekends when he has been drinking to do his variants... its not that i insist on oral but sometimes its good too.... he is a mind power type of guy, plus he is short.. short man syndrome??? he has always been with 5.8 blondes that tower over him and for the first time has a brunette a little shorter than himself.. he writes down his goals etc.. and in that book i saw he had written down his ideal woman being that. he said that he wrote that a long time ago... this also upsets me as am i (MISS RIGHT NOW) ... all so confusing and upsetting for me that its now affecting my disposition towards him.. i look forward to hearing from you and i hope you can assist.. PS: thanks for a great magazine.

Kind Regards
Celest

By Anonymous (not verified) on 2010-03-31 23:30

Hi, i was wondering...how do you know if a guy actually likes you even though he acts like he hates you(or something) and he's trying to get your attention? Thanx. Hope to hear from you soon. P.S: love ur cool magazine!

By Anonymous (not verified) on 2010-04-01 11:12

I have been with my husband for three years but only married for 7 months. a couple of months ago i found 16 gigs worth of porn on my husbands pc. At the moment we do not have a sex life and it seems as if he is trying to avoid it all together. My self esteem has now gone out the window and i realy dont know what to do about it. I have tried talking to him about it and telling him how it makes me feel but now he just does it and hides it from me. Please give me some advice and help me figure out what the cause is.

Regards
Anonymous

By Thamar Houliston on 2010-04-06 09:29

Hi ladies, we are sending your questions to our sexpert and will revert shortly...

By Anonymous (not verified) on 2010-04-23 15:41

Hello! Please advise me, Im young, only married for 4 years and I feel that my husband and I have been soo distant ever since my babies were born, what can I do to win my husband back

By Anonymous (not verified) on 2010-05-27 22:12

Oh shame ladies re the porn
I am now divorced due to my husband becoming a sexlove addict which included approx 20 0000 porn/softporn pics. He had become a sex love addict and visiting prostitutes in Cape Town. Be warned: Some of the strippers at the strip clubs offer escort services aswell, but not all strippers do. The reason for me divorcing him, however was not because of his addiction but because of his terrible personality and verbal abuse and neglect. I was always open minded re porn i used to be the first one to open his hustler, have a quick look, read the jokes etc. To me most of the porn was same old just the people changed. Anyway it took me almost 3 years to finally get the courage to leave (having 2 children under 15) not easy. Together we went to: Priests, councellors, addiction treatment centres and spousal support for me (see Kennilworth Addiction Centre a great place to go if you are prepared to show your face, there are PLENTY of people with this problem)
We went everywhere for support. He has not been back (and realises why he did these things financial stress/extreme low self esteem/working hard and no job promotion, but unfortunately the emotional pain over the years totally killed my love and admiration for him hence the divorce. Oh i should not forget the fact that i dragged him and myself off for an HIV test. It was negative, but he couldnt have cared either way this intelligent person i married just said, so what if its positive there is medication?!!!! Only you can decide when enough is enough no councellor, priest can decide that for you, unfortunately. The heartache that the sex addiction brings to both people the addict and partner is totally heart wrenching. And ladies please know it has nothing to do with the way you look, the body you have or whether you are a blonde/brunette even though he might say you are not really my type. Good Luck don't just leave him to his porn talk about it. If he is not prepared to, talk to an addiction counsellor just for yourself. Try Kennilworth Clinic in Kennilworth

By Anonymous (not verified) on 2010-08-05 15:55

I just need to share this with someone: I never cared for porn one way or the other. My hubby likes to watch and liked it when I watched as well but it never really moved me. But lately I can't seem to get enough. It is the most amazing tool for any couple. It opens up channels of communication - verbal and silent - and it has boosted our sex life considerably. We had a lull for a couple of years but it is as if I've discovered an endless box of treasures. I have also ordered some sex toys and can't wait for them to get here. I was never into sex toys either but after seeing what they are capable of I must admit that my budget is far too small for all the goodies I want. By the way, I am 43 years old and have been married for 14 years, we've been together for 17 years and the sex is better now than it was then. I have also now learnt firsthand that men are stimulated visually and if my man wants to look at other bodies enjoying themselves sexually and then wants to try it out on me, I say knock yourself out darling! I LOOOVE being my husband's canvas and clay. As long as it doesn't replace intimacy and having sex with me, there's definitely no harm.

By Blondy on 2010-10-26 01:46

hi
i have been dating this guy for 5months, he is in his late 30 s, our sex life is poor because of him thou, i always complain that he is staving me and when i try to talk to him about things that bother me in our relationship he makes a joke of everything and says i am tooo serious. in this whole time we been togther we have sex like once every second week sometimes its even a month goes by. he is a workholic and i think the size of his manhood has something to do with as everytime we have sex he keeps asking if it is big and if it works great. he is a nice guy but i am tried, he also dosent like to show emotions and thinks women are golddiggers. what do i do cut my loses and let him be or keep trying? i was thinking of waiting another 4/5 months but there are just days when i get fade up, especially when he says he will do something and then takes ten years to do it because wooork wooork.