feature on infidelity

While Xola maintains she's with her boyfriend because she loves him, for many young South African women, financial dependence is a powerful motivator.

"Research has shown that some women feel if they don't give their 'sugar daddy' what he wants, he will find someone who will," says Ackron. "They may choose to turn a blind eye rather than risk losing the financial support he provides. (On top of this) some South Africans have more traditional attitudes towards gender roles, which can lead to a power imbalance, making it even harder for women to demand fidelity from their partners."

According to a US study conducted at Cornell University, both men who earn much more or much less than their partners are the kind more likely to cheat. Christin Munsch, who conducted the study, says, "At one end of the spectrum, making less money than a female partner may threaten men's gender identity by calling into question the traditional notion of men as breadwinners. At the other end of the spectrum, men who make a lot more money than their partners may be in jobs that offer more opportunities for cheating, like long working hours, travel and an income that make cheating easier to conceal."

For women, says Munsch, "The more dependent they are on their male partners, the less likely they are to engage in infidelity."

How Technology Contributes

As if traditional justifications for cheating weren't enough in SA, the modern phenomenon of technology has made infidelity that much easier. Where 20 years ago you'd have to sneak around to meet a partner other than your own, now you can do it while lying next to him in bed, simply by opening up your laptop or using messenger services on your Blackberry.

"Clearly, technology has an effect on the number of women cheating," says Tara Parker-Pope, a New York Times science reporter and the author of For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage. "It has created more opportunity. Once you create more opportunity, people are at greater risk for infidelity."

"Because many people underestimate the danger of emotional infidelity and cyber affairs, many of these are being ignored, thus enabling them to evolve into sexual infidelity," says Ruth Houston, author of Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs. In the US, she says, "In almost every episode of infidelity, the Internet is involved in some way – either to initiate, facilitate or maintain the illicit affair… According to statistics, 30 percent of these Internet affairs graduate from cyberspace to become real-world affairs."

"I had an awkward experience where the boundaries were blurred," says Nicky*, a 25-year-old copywriter. "Nothing happened between me and the guy concerned, but there was flirting via SMS and both Gmail and Facebook chat. Maybe situations like these are more acceptable in today's generation with the plethora of networking platforms, but what started out as something harmless became quite risqué, and I wondered what my boyfriend would think if he knew. I found myself wondering whether I'd cheated."

Nicky continues: "I believe that if you're committed, then even if temptation comes along, it shouldn't sway you. The question we should be asking is: 'What defines cheating?'"

"It's important to discuss this within your relationship," says Du Toit. "We all have our own lines on emotional infidelity."