Women's Health | What Sex Are You Having?

Tanya*, 36

When you read about married couples who no longer have sex, "blame" usually seems to lie on her side of the bed. It's almost assumed that men are ever-ready sex machines – after all, don't they think about sex more often than food? Well, many of them might, but not the one I married. The excuses are the same: I'm tired, I've had a horrible day at work, I feel bloated… But in our marriage that was my husband talking. From the first time we had sex I knew we were never going to break any records. It was an impersonal fumble in the middle of the night a week after we'd started dating. As he fell asleep, I was left feeling it had been something he needed to get over with. How right I was.
In previous relationships that would have sent me running, but I'd fallen in love. He was funny, with a wry take on life that matched mine. He was also gorgeous: 1.9m of solid rugby-honed muscle. For the first three months we had sex most weekends. It hardly rated on the passion charts, but it was cuddly and affectionate. I can't pinpoint when it slipped from weekly to monthly, but I vividly remember the first of many rejections. We hadn't had sex, or sexual contact of any sort, for six weeks. One Sunday night I put on my sexiest underwear for bed. He looked mortified and blurted out that I looked like “a bit of tart”. It was like being punched. He insisted he was teasing, but the damage was done. Not being desired made me question everything: was I too ugly or too fat? Was he gay? Was he having an affair? It seems crazy now to think that nine months later, when he proposed over a bottle of champagne, I accepted and felt elated at the idea of spending the rest of my life with him. Most couples probably seal the deal with a night of passion. We phoned our families and cuddled on the couch.

Apart from our lack of sex, we were very tactile, always hugging. We married the following summer. We hadn't had sex for two months leading up to it as he was "too stressed" and he refused on our wedding night because "the pressure to perform is too great". We ended up having awkward sex four days into our honeymoon. Later, I cried quietly next to a running shower in the hotel bathroom.
It became a familiar cycle. I'd try not to mention sex; to simply be available. Then I'd get hurt. Frustrated. Eventually angry. Every couple of months, we'd talk. He'd say he couldn't just "magic up" feeling turned on. I was so determined to make things work I suggested Viagra, which he admitted using the first couple of times, but refused to use it again. I also tried to persuade him we should see someone. He wouldn't. We did try to reach a compromise, after we'd gone six months without even foreplay. How little sex could I live with? When we failed to even agree on once every two months, I knew things were bad.

After three years I couldn't take it anymore. My self-belief was completely eroded and I no longer recognised who I was. Of all the moments that should have ended my marriage, it was rummaging in my undies drawer that did it. Reaching to the back, my hand touched a piece of lace. All my sexiest lingerie had been pushed to the back, out of sight. I sat on the bed, too sad to cry, and grieved for the person I'd once been. I left him last year and the divorce should be through soon.

It's taken more than a year, and hours of therapy, to rebuild my self-confidence and feel like the woman I used to be. I've started seeing someone else and my ex is fine with that. I think it relieves some of the guilt he feels about the failure of our marriage. I have lots of great sex with my new partner and that has helped me to heal. When he's too bushed for sex though, I feel sick in my stomach. Luckily he knows instantly that he has to give me reassurance and extra cuddles. Together, we're working on me getting back my confidence.