5 Important Sex Lessons For Women — From A Gay Man
A hard-earned lesson in the art of pulling men
When it comes to seducing the opposite sex, straight men give little in the way of help. A gay man, however, will readily share his seduction secrets with his sisters! Or so we found out when we asked Patrick Strudwick…
It’s not ideal that your father reads a blow-by-blow account of how you had your way with your co-worker in the stationery cupboard during the office party. Or learns of your happy ending on the massage table. But such mishaps are inevitable when you write a sex column for a gay magazine.
And it was all worth it, because a by-product of writing about my boundary-free sex life was that I had to have one. I needed material, so I had to learn how to pull men. Everywhere. Parks. Planes. Pick n Pay.
I delved deeper into the male psyche than I had done before and stumbled upon some startling realisations. I came to fine tune the tactics needed to pick up men…And in the spirit of the greater good, it would be plain mean for me to keep this information to myself.
Consider this a gift from the gay gods.
What’s the worst that could happen?
The psychotherapist Albert Ellis once called self-esteem “the greatest emotional disturbance known to man.” And in no area was he more correct than when it comes to approaching potential partner. An ugly man with a hot boyfriend taught me this: “Because I know I’m an ugly bastard, I don’t put myself on a pedestal, therefore I have nowhere for my ego to fall when I get rejected. Instead, I just go for it”.
My message, then, is this: tell yourself you’re okay looking, but that what you do have is something other women don’t- balls. Then make a move. Rejection is unlikely. A US study found confidence, openness and friendliness- attributes on display when approaching a man-boost perceptions of beauty. So just by making the effort, you’ll look hotter.
“If you have too much of a filter in place, you’re robbing yourself of opportunity,” says behavioural psychologist Jo Hemmings. “Extend your pool of potential mates to those supposedly above you in the looks spectrum and you may just be surprised”.
Contrary to popular belief, men aren’t attracted solely to looks. Case in point: Hugh Jackman.
There’s more than meets the eye
Acres of waffle have been written by body language experts on how to score. I’ve tried their advice, for example, “mirroring”, where you mimic the body language of the man you’re talking to. It looks weird. One thing that does work, however, is what you do with your eyes. Hold his gaze for a spilt second longer than normal. Do this three times. The first time he’ll think it was a once off, the second time he’ll know you serious, the third time, his tummy will do a little leap of excitement. Then, move your gaze to his chest, flicking between his face and torso. (Any lower and it looks like you’re judging his footwear.)
“It’s called the flirting triangle”, explains Hemmings. “It gives a message without saying anything. And you can gauge their responses by what their eyes are doing”. I picked up a hot Croatian in the passport queue doing this. Let that be an inspiration.
Reveal just enough information
Once you start chatting, transition into something personal and reveal something about yourself- this shifts a standard convo into an intimate one. I toss in an anecdote about a time I was naked, so he visualises it: “I thought it would be a great idea to go skinny dipping…” This ensures he sees you as a sexual being. If you mention the time you got slightly aroused by a new flavour of Häagen-Dazs, you’ll see in his face if he likes the idea of you being turned on.
Conversely, the anecdote about the time you wet yourself screaming Spice Up Your Life during karaoke is hilarious, but he’ll bookmark you as “pal” not “potential”.
Equally, sharing something emotionally vulnerable, that he can relate to, will also draw him in: “I get really scared about…”
Psychologist Professor Arthur Arun studied this by making two strangers reveal intimate details about their lives for an hour and a half. Most felt deeply attracted to each other afterwards. Two couples later married. “It’s also about the way you say it”, adds Hemming. Lowering your voice makes you more attractive to men.
Try using this with a flirty command like “come here”. If he obeys- and men’s egos pretty much guarantees he will- then, well done, you’re already halfway to Shagville.
Leave your comfort zone
Coyness, no matter how alluring you think it is, won’t get you laid. Instead, just by initiating conversation, most men-tired of having to make the move-will be so relieved, that the smallest effort on your part will be rewarded.
And what better way to approach the abs-laden guy near you at the beach, than with a compliment? Computer scientists BJ Fogg and Clifford Nass found people even respond positively to automated compliments coming from their PC. But steer clear of remarks about the most obvious body parts or you’ll both end up embarrassed. “Nice shorts” works. “Nice package” will ensure you never get to see it.
So, simplicity, plus subtlety about something not blatantly sexual, equals success. The perfect compliment conveys interest without scaring the poor thing off. Try: “You look like you look after yourself”.
READ MORE: 12 Things We Wish Guys Knew About Blow Jobs
Location, location, location
Nowhere is off-limits. Sticking to social convention will not help you meet men- you just need the right tools. Carry paper with you at all times, on which you can scrawl, “Call me”, with your name and number. A note makes him feel special. He’ll call. I did this at the gym and he texted me within minutes.
“Have your dating antennae up, otherwise there are many missed opportunities,” says Hemmings. Visualize gyms and public transport as you would a cocktail bar and you can transform them into a rich source of opportunity.
Finally, if any of the above methods have led to conversation, change environment. Distractions-other women, TV screens, and friends –are fatal in the scoring process. Suggest leaving the shop/gym/bar for some “fresh air” or a smoke (if that’s his thing).
You can always get him off the ciggies once you’re married.
Looking for more? Here are 25 sex facts you legitimately need in your life.