“WTF Was That!? This Is The Most Cringy Sex Fail I’ve Experienced”
By Anna Davies; image from Nikita Buida/Freepik
Four single women confess…
The spontaneity that can make sex so amazing — mmm, what was that? — can also make it absolutely cringey — WTF was that? Here’s the thing, though: embarrassing bed seshes happen to the best of us. And while a rogue fanny fart may kill the mood, there’s an upside in the long run. “The less-than-romantic times give you both a chance to show your vulnerability, to bond, to feel closer,” explains Emily Morse, a sexologist and host of the podcast Sex with Emily. And, let’s not forget, to laugh your butt off about it later!
We rounded up some SOS scenarios straight from real single women along with expert insta-fixes. Because if any of this happened between your sheets, you’d want to solve it fast and get back to getting off, right? Right.
1. Not grinding
“I had an amazing connection with a new guy, but the first time we had sex, it was so awkward. We had no rhythm, it was clear neither of us was going to finish and, in the end, we were both left unsatisfied.” — Lizanne, 31, dating
Do this: Try to give it a second chance. “When you feel immediately connected to a person, it’s natural to assume the sex will rock your world, but the truth is, great sex comes from knowing each other’s bodies — which often isn’t possible the first time,” says Morse. That’s why communication is key in round two. “Ask him what feels good or what types of pressure he prefers and tell him when he’s doing something that feels fantastic,” says Claire Cavanah, coauthor of Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mindblowing Sex. Still no connection after a few more tries? Then it’s time to move on, sister.
2. Speaking in tongues
“I started talking dirty in the bedroom, thinking the new guy I was dating would be into it. Instead, he froze and told me to stop because it was freaking him out. Nightmare! How can I push the reset button?” — Sizani, 32, dating
Do this: Temper your advances for now. Getting all Sexy McTemptress on the dude can make him self-conscious about his own performance and wonder if he’ll be able to keep up. Dirty talk isn’t for everyone, says Dr Jireh Serfontein of MySexualHealth.co.za. “Take it slow initially, then find a middle ground in which both of you are comfortable,” she says. Instead of talking dirty, you could verbalise your pleasure in a sensual, seductive manner, advises Serfontein.
Simply describe exactly what he’s doing and the effect it’s having (like, “You feel so good inside me”). If that gets him going, the two of you can gradually build a dialogue from there that rings as genuine (and hot) for both of you.
3. Emotional wreck
“Sometimes I cry during sex, especially after I’ve had an orgasm. It’s just a rush of emotions, but it definitely detracts from the experience. The last time it happened, I know it weirded out the guy I’ve been seeing.” — Ntsebo, 33, dating
Do this: Respect — and go with — your flow. An orgasm is a powerful physical and psychological response to sexual stimulation, says Serfontein. “Many people cry after orgasming; it’s not something you can control, nor something to be ashamed about.” What gives? Great sex releases oxytocin and endorphins, which can magnify emotions.
Oxytocin is also believed to promote trust and empathy, which can make you feel like you’re in a safe space to release feelings you’ve been holding on to — like nerves from being yelled at by your boss earlier, or sadness from fighting with a friend. Since these scenarios have nothing to do with your bedmate, tell him the waterworks are actually a sign that the sex was, um, incredible, then lighten the mood with an episode of Modern Family.
4. Hootin’ and tootin’
“I fanny fart. A lot. It’s distracting and it totally ruins the moment!” — Beth, 24, single and dating
Do this: Laugh it off. Queefing — the fart-like sound emitted by your vagina — is as common as trombones in an orchestra. It’s produced when air escapes your opening and men should be accustomed to it, especially if they get thrust-happy or prefer positions that allow for deeper penetration (such as doggy-style or missionary with your knees bent up towards your chest), says Morse. You can quiet that cacophony in your box seats by instructing him to make slower, more deliberate movements. It also helps to do Kegel exercises regularly — toned muscles can help keep the sound from slipping out.
And if it’s a noise coming from, ahem, a different opening? Suck it up and giggle again. Since an orgasm can cause all of your muscles to loosen, you can’t really control bum noises (and hey, neither can he). If you’re super-paranoid, though, steer clear of certain foods — think beans, artificially sweetened treats and fatty stuff — before you get busy.