6 Pieces Of Sex Advice You Should Totally Ignore, According To Men

Um... please don't do this in bed – EVER


Paul Sanctuary |

If you’ve ever read sex advice that sounded a little weird, or just plain wrong, chances are it probably was. We asked a red-blooded male to debunk some of the worst offenders. This is what your average guy finds hard to swallow..

1. Indulge in sexual role-play by pretending you’re strangers meeting for the first time…

It’s one thing having fantasies about your partner lezzing off with your hot sister-in-law while you’re actually in the throes of doing it. But enacting an elaborate scenario where you sidle up to your girl at the bar as if you’re doing it for the first time? Guffaws.

READ MORE: “My Wife Asked To Watch Me Masturbate To Learn What I Like”

2. Since South Africa has some of the world’s best beaches, sex on the sand is a must-try.

South Africa has some great schools, too. Should we push our partner up against the trophy cabinet the next time we’re at a PTA meeting? Summer loving is fine; after all, the weather is warm, the beers are cold and we’re all wearing considerably less clothing. So, sure, there will be more sex. A kiss as the sun goes down is romantic. Some playful touching in the breakers is fun. But full-blown sex on the beach is about as stimulating as sandpapering your vulva. Do you know what type of people have sex on the beach? The worryingly young prostitutes at Sandy Bay and German tourists. Avoid.

3. If you gently apply pressure on his perineum between your forefinger and thumb at the right moment, it will enhance his orgasm.

Ah, the much-mythologised male G-spot: a place more misunderstood than the Bermuda triangle and about as likely to exist as Atlantis. For too long now women’s magazines have honed in on this secret location, insisting that it lies somewhere between my bunghole (a place I try not to even think about, lest I grow fond of it) and the aforementioned sacks of pain. If this place actually felt as good as is proclaimed in sex advice pieces, we’d all be cyclists. I actually do have a G-spot, and it’s not too difficult to find either – it’s shaped like a penis.

READ MORE: “This Is The Hottest Thing A Woman Has Ever Done To Me During Sex”

4. Let your feet do the work. Rub your foot up and down and around his bulge. It’s subtler than using your hand, but the sensations it creates are just as intense.

Unless you’re one of those footpainting artists who do the cards at Christmas time, I’d really rather you used your hands. Which, if I’m honest, is pretty rubbish too. If I wanted a hand job, I’d do it myself; I’ve been doing these for longer than you have, hopefully, and can get myself off better than anyone else. Also, you’re not really providing the deluxe version by using your feet, the inside of your elbow or your cleavage; that’s just frottage. As a woman you have more holes than a piece of Swiss cheese. Use them. Also, have you seen your feet lately?

5. If he’s got a really high sex drive, try to outshag him until he can’t take it anymore.

If by “outshag” you mean “make him come first” then congrats, you’ve just done exactly what every single girl I’ve ever had
sex with did. Men are cheap dates: after we’ve climaxed we generally can’t take it anymore.

6. Light citrus-scented candles. A whiff of orange can increase penile blood flow by 20 percent.

A hard on is a hard on is a hard on. While a whiff of orange is nice, if you’ve given us the green light to stab you with our meat-sword, you can leave the fruit bowl alone.

Men are about as complicated as a T-shirt. Don’t overestimate what’s going on in our heads. In reality, getting us off is about as difficult as tying your shoelaces. But if you really want to learn something, watch some porn. Although much of it is only slightly less believable than sex advice articles, at least you’ll be learning something your guy will actually appreciate. Threesomes. Anal. Facials. A plumber that shows up on time. Let’s stop treating sex like it requires the sort of instruction manual that comes with a box of Lego and, instead, just ask us what we want.

My sexiest experience involved just two words: “Any requests?”

This is exactly what men notice… when you’re naked. Plus: “I watched porn with my partner for the first time – here’s what happened…”

READ MORE ON: Sex Sex Tips

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