Everything You Need To Know About Having Sex On The First Date
Let’s get one thing straight right now: If you want to have sex on the first date, you have every right to finish your pinot and do the d*mn thing.
Unless you’ve made the personal choice to hold out until you a hit a specific dating milestone (maybe you’ve heard of the Three-Date Rule? **rolls eyes**) for your own reasons, you’re under no obligation to keep your sexuality on lockdown. That should go without saying, but many women these days refrain from first-date sex to avoid being “tainted”. It’s an awful word and promotes an antiquated societal pressure that somehow (how?!?!) still exists in 2019.
You may not even realise that’s what’s holding you back. Even with chastity belts in the past, according to Dr Peter Kanaris, a psychologist and sex therapist, it’s not unusual in this day and age to embrace your sexual life without giving much thought to the influences that have shaped it. Sexual wokefulness could be coursing through your veins and, still, you may not realise you’ve internalised certain restrictive expectations about sex that you bring into your relationships.
For this reason, despite feeling a connection with your date and wanting to jump their bones, you might hesitate or skip the deed entirely because you don’t want your date to lose respect for you. But I’m here — with experts — to clear that up.
Here’s everything you need to know about having sex on the first date:
You first want to figure out what’s making you question having first-date sex.
Religion, family expectations, experiences such as being slut-shamed, are just three of the many influences that inform the way you think about your sexual self.
Often times, says Kanaris, people just “stumble their way” into their sexual lives without taking note of the attitudes they’ve adopted along the way. In fact, people rarely consider their personal guidelines for sex.
Instead, you might consider yourself adventurous in bed or consider intimacy sacred without ever considering the why behind it. And doing so, Kanaris adds, is crucial to understanding why old-school ideals might be clashing with your modern ones.
How do you do this? “Self-awareness is key,” says Kanaris. I know it sounds weird, but taking a moment to ask yourself a few questions before going on dates can help you figure out your true feelings about whether you want sex to be part of them.
- What are my beliefs about sex?
- Which factors influenced those beliefs? My family? Friends? Past experiences?
- What personal guidelines have I set for my own sexuality?
These questions aren’t supposed to be easy to answer, but once you do — maybe even with the help of a (sex) therapist — you’ll be able to tune into the impressions outside influences have made on your sex life, so you can separate your own fact from fiction.
If anything is going to stop you, it should be how well (or not well) you know someone.
Now that you did your homework about your opinions toward sex on the first date, it’s time to clear up other factors that might be causing you to pause.
The worry or fear that your date won’t respect you after first-date sex should never be the reason you keep your dress zipped or jeans buttoned. Honestly: If you actually think this person is capable of that, do you really want to sleep with them, anyway?
The only thing that should really stop you, if anything, should be your comfort level with this person and whether they hold up to your dating standards — if, that is, you’re looking for an eventual relationship with them.
“One date isn’t enough to prove that they are a stable, reliable person…”
“One date with a person, no matter how well it goes, isn’t enough to prove that they are a stable, reliable human who will show up time and time again,” says “Dr. Chloe” Carmichael, a clinical psychologist and author of Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating. For that reason, if you’re hoping for more than a fling, you may want a few more dates with this person to suss out whether they’re worth your time.
And the idea that your date will lose interest in you once you’ve had sex? Well, if that happens, chances are, they weren’t all that emotionally interested in you before the sex, either. Again, if you’re looking for more than a fling, better you learn that now than later, before you’re invested in them.
All that said, if all you’re thinking about one date in is how badly you want to take them to bed — not so much about how much potential you see in them in a long-term partner — you don’t need to deprive yourself just for the sake of waiting. So go for it, and enjoy it, girl.
First-date sex can be a bit unpredictable.
About enjoying it…
Since this is a new person, you’re getting to explore a body you’ve never experienced this kind of intimacy with, which is incredibly exciting. That can make the sex extra amazing, thrilling and gratifying.
But sex on the first date can also flop. Though the conversation at dinner may have turned you on, their performance in bed might not be what you hoped for. They’re getting to explore a new body, too, and they might not know how to work yours yet. You may like different things from their former partners, and vice versa.
The sex might close out the courtship, or start it.
What happens after sex on the first date can go one of a few ways, says Kanaris.
Since you’ve only gone out once, your date might consider the entire date (sex included) a one-time thing. The best way to avoid this is to chat about what they’re looking for ahead of time. Sure, they might not be totally honest with you, but it’s worth trying, anyway.
In another scenario, they might want sex with you again but pass on the dinner and drinks next time. That’s a good indication that they view your connection as more of a physical one than an emotional one, and it’s up to you if you feel the same.
Another shitty possibility: If they’re harbouring sexist views about women and sexuality, they might not consider you a potential partner anymore because you were willing to be sexual early on. This is a disgusting double-standard and a sure sign that your date is trash and not worth your time. My condolences.
On the other hand, though, sex on the first date (or even what you thought would be a one-night stand!) can indeed evolve into a romantic relationship. In fact, “it happens all the time,” says Kanaris.
Sex can you give you a good sense for whether you and your date are a good match. Sure, similar outlooks on life and mutual respect are major, too, but considering your sexual compatibility (and openness toward sex in general) can and should weigh in to that, too.
Plus, for many people, having sex can lead to emotional feelings. Women release oxytocin after sleeping with someone, which makes them feel more bonded to their partner. Men release testosterone, which makes them want to “hunt.” If you’re a solid match in other ways, there’s no reason they won’t want to hunt with you.
Don’t forget to protect yourself.
Just as much as you want to take precautions to protect your heart in dating, you need to protect your health, too.
Since it’s just the first date, so “you might not know the history of this person like you might in a more evolved relationship,” Kanaris explains. For that reason, it’s important that you’re being safe and direct by using necessary contraception and asking your date about their sexual history.
“The question doesn’t have to sound like you’re conducting a medical exam — that would be heavy,” says Kanaris, but knowing whether your date’s ever had an STI that could potentially get passed on to you is a big deal. So, try: “Now that we’re moving forward, I think it’s important for both of us to know whether we’re taking any undue risks. So how’s your health and when’s the last time you were tested?”
Once you get on the info you need, keep in mind that since you might not know this person very well, you should probably still use condoms. (Just sayin’.)
Then go ahead and get your sex on after that awesome first date. And the next one, and the next one after that, if that’s what you want. Why? Because you can.
This article was originally published on www.womenshealthmag.com