Is It Normal If You Want To Try This In The Bedroom?
By Kirsty Carpenter and Sally Griffith
For him to fake it, to (erm) love yourself four times a week and be into a bit of bum fun in the bedroom? We find out…
“So I’m dating a guy with the funkiest-tasting spunk”, declares Samantha in Sex and the City circa what feels like a million years ago. Say what you like about the outfits and questionable plotlines, but women haven’t had a space to air their dirtiest of dirty laundry since the gals all paired up and left us stranded. Got a burning question? Sometimes it’s too hard to even broach your bestie…
“So, you know that time Samantha said [insert awkward statement] 12 years ago? Well…”Ja, not gonna happen! We asked you to let loose and share your secrets in the 2016 Women’s Health Sex Survey- and then we got the experts to weigh in.
Is it normal…
To want an open relationship?
An open relationship, where a couple is open to having sex with others, isn’t out of the ordinary (so much so, that 19 percent of you aren’t averse to trying it). Couples in an open relationship may have sex with others as a threesome or alone, but their partner is always meant to be the priority. Swingers and polyamorous couples fall under this umbrella term, also called “consensual non-monogamous relationships”.
However, someone ultimately lands up becoming attached- and that’s where things get complicated. So, think before you start swinging form the chandeliers…
That my boyfriend fakes orgasms?
You’ve been there. He’s pressing all the right buttons, but for whatever reason, you can’t finish. But for whatever reason, you can’t finish. In fact, 16 percent of you admitted in our survey that you’d faked it. It happens to men too-more than you’d think (and 62 percent of you think your guy never fakes orgasms).
Two US studies conducted by Indiana University’s Centre for Sexual Health Production found 30 percent of men fake it on occasion. So while he’s not in the majority, don’t think he’s a lone warrior secretly working on his O-face in the bathroom mirror. Avoid an anti-climax by ensuring he’s turned on before penetration, but if it’s happening regularly, find a gentle way to “raise it”. Voice how satisfied you are and you’re checking he feels the same.
To prefer anal over vaginal sex?
Oh anal, so often relegated to the one-drunken-night zone. But while only three percent of you rated the backdoor as your sex of choice in our survey, in the 2016 Men’s Health Sex Survey, 20 percent of you stated you enjoy it. Not surprising: orgasm rates are higher for those who indulge in a little anal play than those who stick to front hole only, according to the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
“The area is anatomically configured for mind-blowing orgasms, so, if you’ve had that, there’s no surprise you go back for more!” says sexologist Dr Jessica O’ Reily, author of Hot Sex Tips, Tricks, and Licks: Sizzling Touch and Tongue Techniques for Amazing Orgasms. For variation, use a sex toy or a vibrator around the entrance to up the anal-fun ante.
To be a cougar or date a #blesser (AKA sugar daddy)?
It depends on what you want to get out of it: 28 percent of you say you’re fine with supporting a partner if you’re getting love back in return, while 28 percent say it’s okay if it’s for something worthwhile, like education. “ If you’re past your childbearing years and the relationship is getting serious, ensure you’re on the same page with regards to children and family, as this may later be a deal-breaker,” Lurie adds.
When it comes to taking, five percent of you are happy to take anything you can get, while 61 percent say you’ll only accept treats if he gives you respect first. It’s important to know exactly what both parties are getting out of the relationship. “It can work provided that both parties have similar outlooks and the stigma attached to these kinds of relationships doesn’t affect neither of you,” Lurie says.
To be attracted to someone who is gender-fluid?
Yes! Whether you’re attracted to a gender-fluid stranger or in a relationship with them, it says nothing about your own sexuality. “You’re attracted to a person for different reasons, be it physical, emotional, spiritual or a combo. Their gender doesn’t determine who the person is”, says Dr. Elna Rudolph, clinical head of MySexualHealth.co.za. 26 percent of you agree- you’re attracted to a person, not gender.
Dating a gender fluid person? “Allowing them to be themselves may only serve to enhance your relationship and sexual chemistry”, says Joburg- based clinical psychologist Liane Lurie. If you’re only sexually attracted to the person, it doesn’t have anything to do with your orientation or gender identity; it’s just that you have a broader scope to play with sexually- whether it’s just a fantasy or you actually live it out is up to you.
To play games as foreplay?
In a single word: yes! And 47 percent of you agree! “It wouldn’t have been called foreplay if games weren’t an integral part of it”, says Rudolph. Playing games can mean so many different things, from structured board games to role play to emotional games. But how many about sending a text mid-morning telling your partner what you want done to? Dr. Debby Herbenick says “You cannot know what your partner enjoys and vice versa if you do not talk about it”. Get specific information about how they want their bodies touched when they’re in foreplay is helpful, but it’s easier to have those conversations when you’re not about to have sex. And you’ll have them thinking about that text all day long.
READ MORE: 5 Mind Tricks To Make Sex Seriously AMAZING!
To masturbate four times a week?
Let’s look at the stats: while our survey found that only seven percent of WH readers masturbated four times weekly, a US survey found only three percent of women, aged 20 to 39, masturbated the same number of times. So you may be ahead in the self-pleasure stakes, but is it really an issue? “Only if it’s interfering with a relationship or your life in general”, says Rudolph. So as long as you’re not skipping work to stay home and bean flick, there’s no problem. Enjoy.
To be monogamous?
Turns out, 26 percent of you aren’t set on monogamy. In fact, seven percent of you think it’s archaic. Yet for the rest of you, it’s still completely normal. In fact, according to the journal Evolutionary Biology, only 17 percent of human cultures are strictly monogamous. “Your question as to the validity of this need may also be based on the model of relationships you grew up with”, says Lurie.
Yet, although monogamy is generally thought to be the norm in society, the stats above correlate with a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour: up to one third of men and one-quarter of women will have at least one affair at some point in their lives. While we’re not condoning cheating, in an interesting study published in Biology Letters, researchers found that people with a ring finger longer than their second finger are more interested in casual sex (how’s that for a dinner party game!?). That’s because they were exposed to more testosterone in the womb.